Seekers of Befuddling Grandiloquence,

Around eight weeks ago, in the middle of the night, I received a text message, once my initial rage at having ever bought a cell phone had subsided, I arose from my bed as I had to either read the message or switch it off, otherwise, it would have beeped forever due to some unfathomable setting. I chose the former; the message read; “Sorry if I have disturbed you. Do you want to climb Ben Nevis?” Flabbergasted and irate, I immediately returned to bed. A question such as this, asked of a person - on the eve of one of the most important days of his life – with only meagre climbing experience deserved no reply.

In the interim, I tried to live an honourable life, but this struggle was compounded with constant badgering from the eager and ambitious, although equally novitiate mountaineers. With time, and realism, the target of reaching the summit of Scotland’s highest peak was downgraded to reaching the pinnacle of a munro, Ben Lawers was talked of as the potential challenge; at this stage, I became slightly interested in joining the rookies’ expedition. With further days and sense, the target was reduced to a smaller munro, Schiehallion, and I was beginning to seriously contemplate climbing a munro too. However, we climbed East Lomond, and I was bored – one foot ahead of the other, staring at the ground. I ruled out taking part in a munro ascent but a few days ago, to escape the dilemmas of being an author who doesn’t know which of his many ideas he should begin developing, I joined them on their final “training” climb of West Lomond. Again I was bored, but I enjoyed marvelling at the landscape during rest breaks and upon the summit, so I decided I did want to climb Schiehallion, if only to take photographs, but then I thought of the politics that surrounds the organisation of every recreational event and I returned to vacillating. However, the decision was taken from me, due to inadequate Ticket Services at Celtic FC, the act of going to Glasgow to hand-deliver season ticket application forms was unavoidable.

The ticket service at Celtic Park has been hopeless for many years now; the new online booking service is temperamental, the call centre is seemingly run by just one woman and the ticket office itself is similarly understaffed. After trying the online service repeatedly with no success, and the deadline for applications impending, I drove across to Glasgow – a few hours in the car with some records was preferable to spending a day being on hold. When I arrived at Celtic Park, a number of the notorious figures from the Scottish sports meedja, Kheredine Idessane, David Tanner et al, were just being shuffled inside; unfortunately I had forgotten my Bellyaches Press Pass, thus I delivered the application forms and then hung around outside waiting to see if I could figure out what the exciting news was. After a while, in an Andrew Collins sports reporter-stylee, I planned to ask the cameramen waiting outside what was happening once I came back from buying a latte in the shopping centre 10 minutes away, inevitably when I came back, there were no cameramen left. I learned from Radio McScotty on the way home that the ex-Manchester United player, Quinton Fortune was inside Celtic Park to discuss signing a contract, he’s a good player and I’d be glad to see him join the team.

I wasn’t able to join the national press today, but I was bemused by yesterday’s East Fifecestershire Mail’s headline, “TERROR”. The story concerns a local man who has been charged with being a member of a banned paramilitary organisation, the UDA, after detectives found UDA and Loyalist paraphernalia and several weapons in the man’s flat and it was discovered he was running Loyalist functions from a local Masonic Lodge. Buckhaven is a small town, remote from Northern Ireland or even the west of Scotland, this worrying incident is further shocking evidence of how deeply Northern Irish sectarianism is ingrained in Scottish culture. I’m sure there are many more local people, sympathising with either side of the divide, who could be arrested for similar offences. I’m surprised the East Fifecestershire Mail chose such a dramatic headline this week; after all, I wrote to the editor a number of months ago with respect to an advert that was placed in their newspaper:

Dear Sir, I write with respect to an advert placed in the “Thrifty Fifties” in EFM issue of dd/mm/yy. One particular advert reads "Nine loyalist flags, cost £90 sell £45. Tel:xxxxxxxxxxx". I would like to question the decision of the EFM team to publish such an advert. First Minister, Jack McConnell, several police forces across Scotland and a number of pressure groups have all in recent times launched high-profile campaigns against bigotry and sectarianism in the country. I sincerely hope that my local newspaper is not promoting this kind of behaviour; one might interpret the act of publishing this advert as the local press condoning the possession of effects which are intrinsically linked with intimidation, hatred and violence. Does the sale of these flags mean the vendor has thought better of their ways? I do feel the motives of any particular buyer certainly need to be questioned. Perhaps there is some perfectly rational explanation for the need for the people of Levenmouth to possess these items, may I refer them to the advert "Step ladders, surplus to requirements, will deliver £5", should the buyer need help hanging these items have they indeed been bought for innocent needs.Yours etc;

On review, the letter might appear rather contumelious, which is probably the reason I received no acknowledgement at the time. I ought to have written a less pointed letter, I might have offended my future employers.