Triggers of my Sense of Unease,

Actions, and often inactions, are more likely to be useful than opinions thus The Bellyaches readership may have been feeling left in the dark, but I’d never leave them in the dark, I’d always ensure they’d be serving a purpose. I combined a metaphor with a pun/cliché there, it can only ever be understood by me, and I will refrain from future punaphors. I should have provided some short missives.

My holiday gave me time to mull over work. As time went on, I began to feel more disappointed with them all, I don’t know if they let me down, I was promised stuff that I didn’t want and when I didn’t get it, I felt conned. I need only rely upon myself; I can only afford to rely upon myself. The best way to tackle my invisible grievances, I decided, is to stay off the radar. Stealth science.

The weather has not been favourable, it’s so changeable. The weathermen (Sean) seem to be able to predict the sequence of weather but they rarely identify its time of arrival. The weather is making me ill.

I decided to buy a haircut since it was meant to be summer. The hairdresser seemed reluctant to cut it, I’ve decided to believe that she thought my hair was too good to cut, the alternative reason may be that I am the local ogre. I don’t care about styles, I want value.

As I have just completed quarter of a century in this domain, it is announced that the people of Levenmouth have the lowest life expectancy in the Kingdom of Fife. I outlived my life expectancy, I may as well try to complete a century, by which time, I will be the one sending telegrams. I haven’t moved up the line of succession to that throne in 25 years but after the coronation of King Alex, I shouldn’t be too far from the head of the queue to take over from him at Embra Castle.

I won’t be a popular ruler, I’ll make sure my subjects aren’t as fat as those featured on the footage shot in Leven High Street to highlight our health problems. To become popular, our current leader, Gordy Brown, only has to pull all troops out of Afghanistan and send them to Zimbabwe, it’d be a vote-winner, it’d be his Falkland Islands. The perceived state of living in this country isn’t his fault, the English just want to pick on the Scotsman, their behaviour has been typified at Wimbledon this week. It took the encouragement of some Australians to see our Andy Murray defeat Richard Gasquet. Each scream from an English imbecile for Andy’s opponent infuriated me, they are a disgrace. The English should be ashamed of themselves, they should look to the few good ones in their midst (Andrew Marr, Sue Perkins, Alex Turner when he’s with Last Shadow Puppets, not the Arctic Monkeys) and learn how to conduct themselves for the benefit of the greater good.

We ought to look after ourselves, then those in our spheres of influence. I’ll start with me, I’ve never been so fat. I’ll try to lose this weight, but I don’t want to run for fear of shin splints. I’d like a game of badminton, but that's a sport not currently en vogue.