Crusaders Against Baleful Capitalists,

I’m still battling Celtic FC and I’m fed up of their incompetence, although I’m beginning to wonder if there is something more vindictive in their conduct.

Celtic have implemented a new automated swipecard system that allows supporters entry to the stadium. I’ve missed the first halves of both games at Celtic Park this season because the system is rubbish. At the first game, the swipecard machine displayed a message like “TICKET ALREADY USED FOR THIS MATCH” and the turnstile stayed put, so rather than the stewards being told about this, realising that I have a valid ticket, seeing that I’m not inside the stadium, seeing that I should be and allowing me in the side door, I was sent to the Ticket Office where I had to join a huge queue of people with like problems. I was eventually given a voucher that would allow me entry to that individual match. At the second game, I visited the Ticket Office before the match because I was due a refund (for being a concession), they issued me with a new card. I swiped this new card at the turnstiles and the message the machine displayed was “TICKET VALID FOR WRONG MATCH” and of course, the stewards, being as obtuse as ever, sent me to the Ticket Office, where I endured the same lengthy wait for a voucher. This time they retained my card – to investigate why it wasn’t working.

Enraged, I wrote two letters on my return home. The first letter was effectively a bill; I addressed this to the John Paul Taylor, who was previously just the manager of the Ticket Office. The second letter was a general rant about the swipecards, merchandise, stewards, the Ticket Office and the lack of new players being signed; I printed three copies, I addressed one non-specifically to Celtic FC and the other two explicitly to chief executive, Peter Lawwell, and chairman, Brian Quinn. I posted these 4 letters. Later that day, I decided to test the powers of propaganda at Celtic Park, I emailed the second letter to the Celtic View magazine and Celtic TV.

Obviously, they weren’t going to publish my emither, the Celtic View passed it to the Head of Customer Services (John Paul Taylor; obviously, in their penny-pinching pursuits, he’s now in charge of everything). Before he received the letter I addressed to him, he replied via emither to tell me that I would be given a refund, he put someone else in charge of making sure I was given this refund. I received an emither from this delegate asking me to emither back my financial details. I decided to wait until my letters had arrived before taking further action.

The next day, Mr Taylor had evidently received his letter; he called me up to tell me off , saying that it’s wrong for people to hold the general view that his Ticket Services department are rubbish. He gave me a whole spiel about how efficient they were and a whole load of statistics, one of his quotes was, “At the end of the day, people are still buying tickets, that proves that we’re doing a good job.” I dismissed his defence, only to be told “I think we’re just going to have to agree to disagree.” We discussed the swipecard system, I said that there was no back-up system for supporters who haven’t gained entry when they should have been able to (a trek and a queue at the Ticket Office is not a back-up plan). He argued that there was a back-up system; they’ve printed out “emergency vouchers” for every supporter to be used when their swipecard fails BUT they opted against sending them out and they’ve got special hand-held electronic devices to be issued to head stewards (so when swipecards fail, supporters should seek a head steward who will remedy the problem) BUT they haven’t got them working yet – in essence, my argument holds, there’s no back-up system at present.

After having defended the competence of his staff, I had to correct the employee in charge of giving me a refund. Although I thought I might be trying their patience, I told them it was wrong to send banking details via email and that I wanted a cheque to be posted out or to transfer details over the phone. This was resolved when Mr Taylor’s delegate called me. My brother and I were each awarded £30, we might have got more, or maybe less, had I not named a figure in my letter and instead let them decide how much was fair.

So I have been given some compensation for the football I missed, but I still have no ticket for the next match on Saturday because they retained my swipecard for inspection. My brother was returned his card 4 days ago. I emailed John Paul Taylor to ask where my card was -I suppose I did have another pop at the same time, I said I wouldn’t be happy until every supporter who was in my position received refunds, the club publicly apologised and perhaps pledged to cap ticket prices for next season as a goodwill gesture towards fans for the inconvenience they suffered - and he put someone else in charge of seeing that I have valid means of entry to the stadium on Saturday. If I wasn’t already wondering if something sinister was afoot, with respect to my brother (who hasn’t complained) receiving his card and me being left to wait, I discovered that this employee is on holiday all week.

I think they have a vendetta against me because I decided to challenge them. I spoke to a Ticket Office phone operator this afternoon, she said she would send a card out in time for the match, but I have a total lack of faith in their ability to do anything and I sincerely doubt this will be the end of the hassle. I’m hacked off with it all.