Commiserative Scribes of Repulsive Alien Blather,

My editorial stewardship of The Bellyaches, all 6 months of it, has been building slowly and ominously to today’s article. After the article has been published, there may seem to be little purpose to any which follow, or, indeed, have gone before.

The skies are not wide open. On Tuesday evening, around 11pm, somewhere along the A92 in the north of the Kingdom, I saw a black triangular object hovering over a field adjacent to a plantation of fir trees. The object had small red lights at each corner and a larger bright white light in the centre. I’d be quite prepared to accept that it was a F-3 Tornado from Leuchars with a kind of search light on carrying out some kind of mission, if the RAF would like to confirm this intimation.

I, like many other members of the public, have noticed lots of strange occurrences in the skies: stars that twinkle just too much, stars that move, vehicles with unfamiliar arrays of lights, craft that cut disturbing paths. I think of these events, which are usually at a distance, as adventitious, but still fascinating, strange and definitely extant. But it’s the crackpots who get over-excited by these – they give everyone else who shows an interest a bad reputation. I’ve always been quite reserved in my judgement of strange lights in a night sky, I don’t believe extraterrestrials have to call under the cover of darkness; they would have to be so technologically-advanced in order to visit, they could afford to appear stridently during daylight and obliterate us all if need be.

Apart from funny lights, I would say I’ve had three properly strange encounters. The best of them happened around 6 years ago on a winter’s evening, possibly in October or November. It was the best because I was with 5 other people who saw exactly what I saw. It was dark and probably between 8pm and 9pm. We had finished playing football tennis, using the Methilhill Primary School gate and then later, wall - it was lower and they were rubbish – as a “net”. We went to the shop, possibly for juice, and afterwards when we were loitering on Chemiss Road, it happened. At an height of not much greater than that of Methilhill Parish Church’s spire or the tall beech trees in the park, the brightest white light I ever did see moved slowly and silently, between the church and the park (it’s recently been cordoned off because of fears that the land will subside into the mines below, just weeks after the council built a new skate park in it) I couldn’t see what form the UFO took; the light was the so bold, it was impossible to determine the size or the shape of its physical source.

The intensely glowing thing hung mute in the air for 2-3minutes, lingering along the 100metres or so stretch of Chemiss Road between the church and the park, until suddenly, and instantaneously, it disappeared with a massive bang (I wonder if this was a sonic boom). Surprisingly, given how low the entity floated, we aren’t the only 6 witnesses I know about, the light and the bang was observed by my brother and his posse in Buckhaven, which is approximately 1 mile away.

Two of the witnesses tried to make the UFO incident the talk of the geography class for the remainder of the school year, one of the witnesses tried to retain his dignity by telling the geography class of the exploding weather balloon. That was all that happened, there was no UFO sighting reported in the East Fifecestershire Mail. It was an extraordinary event. I’d be quite prepared to accept that it was Jesus above the church with a kind of search light on carrying out some kind of mission, if God would like to confirm this intimation.