Other People who Want to Know What a Nobody Thought on Tuesday,

You can’t see that you’re just the same as all the stupid people you hate
I’m not saying I’m free from blame because I need all the friends I can get

Britain must be very proud; it has the best defence lawyers in the world. The police uncover ed £100 000 worth of heroin in a man’s house, with the other evidence, it's fair to say that he’s obviously not a law-abiding citizen, they arrested him and he’s back on the street within a week.

I’ve only watched around 30 minutes of television on Tuesday, The Wright Stuff (featuring right-wing shock-tactic exponent Kelvin MacKenzie) and Behind Bars (City Hospital in a prison). There was always something morbid about City Hospital, as though foreboding a catastrophe by broadcasting the scenes live. Sympathy for the patients was undoubtedly the main emotion experienced by the viewers but now the presenters, Nick Knowles and Nadia Sawalha, expect the same feelings towards the prisoners. Is the BBC hoping to catch a prison riot live on air?

When the Alternative Land Use Party sweep to power, they will be tough on crime. We’ll adopt the Liberal Democrat policy of punishing the rich for being rich, although not by taxation. Once they reach a certain level of wealth, they will be required to participate in mandatory vigilante squads - it may not sound fair, but they’ll be the ones who can afford the best weapons. Idiots like Mr MacKenzie who talk a good game, will be tooled-up and sent out onto the street to protect the nation. The House of Lords will be abolished; the Lords will be patrolling the streets, armed with grenades, nunchucks and pointed sticks.