Prodigals of Belaboring Rains,

On Friday, it rained a good, honest type of rain. It rained hard and constantly. Although it was a quality downpour, in choice of what I could do to spend the day, it did leave me somewhat limited. I decided that I would set off for one of those aimless and petrol-wasting drives. I drove west, with Midlake’s The Trials of Van Occupanther, and whilst in the general area of central Scotland, I decided I would make Stirling the end-point for the aimless journey.

I had never been to Stirling, although I had visited the Wallace Monument, so I thought it would be worth having a look around. It’s a strange place, a place of blatant contrast, in the people and the buildings. An innocuous and dull identikit shopping area surrounds the historic Old Town. I did browse the shops in the Thistle Centre because I had never been before and because I need new clothes. I did buy a few things. I find buying clothes very difficult, as I am very picky: I don’t like random numbers adorning garments, I don’t like logos (I’m not an advertising space), I don’t like random slogans, I’m not a fan of zips, I struggle to wear bright colours and I have countless other reservations. I used to buy lots of blue clothes, but now nearly every shop is filled with items with navy blue/sky blue designs so of course, I have to be obtuse and find some different. As a result, I search for green things; they don’t make many green things.

After buying all the green things I could find, I put my purchases in the car and ventured out into the rain to see the Old Town, in doing so I crossed between the two classes of people I found wandering about Stirling in about equal numbers – Scottish gadgies and misguided tourists. I was surprised by the number of tourists, transport links to Stirling aren’t the best. Stirling obviously has a very interesting history, it was the former capital of Scotland. Stirling grew up originally because of its strategic position upon an easily defensible hill, where Stirling Castle was built, and its close proximity to the River Forth. The fjord and later, the bridge at Stirling was the major crossing point of the River Forth and the furthest downstream crossing point until 1890 when the Forth Railway Bridge was constructed at Queensferry. I wandered up the cobbled streets past the Church of the Holy Rude, the only church to have staged a coronation apart from Westminster Abbey, to Stirling Castle. Stirling Castle has been the home to many kings and queens and someone might find its history very interesting. I was feeling very republican and didn’t have much time so I didn’t pay to go and look around inside the castle.

I was actually more interested in the view off the side of the crag. The dense, grey clouds that were emptying themselves across Scotland, had engulfed the Ochils, quite a bland mountain range, and had given them a slightly mystical quality. The River Forth is also visible from the castle. I’ve always been fascinated by rivers and for me, the best part of climbing the Wallace Monument is the view of the River Forth and its bizarre meanders. After wondering at the slightly less impressive view of the river from the castle forecourt, I returned to the car sodden and drove back to the Kingdom of Fife, passing a strange scarecrow-like figure that seems to have been erected recently, at the side of the Stannin' Stane, as a joke.

That evening, I played football and was quite brilliant, of course, the talents of the other players are not spectacular, but it was nice to play well, especially after Tuesday’s game. I had a relapse into illness at the beginning of the week, and I stupidly thought I could manage to play football. We were doing well, but I gradually wilted and eventually had to run off 15 minutes early to be sick and go home to cower in my bed. I ate a Cadbury’s chocolate bar for the first time in years a fortnight ago and was then mysteriously sick for the week or so later, I don’t think it was a coincidence and the public must revolt against them; for too long, this country has been treated to substandard chocolate or rather, substance.

I learned on Friday night that the pathetic entertainer who made numerous appearances in the local clubs and pubs has been undone. He was a rotten comedian, “we’ve got a Proclaimer in the audience”, and he did a karaoke routine that involved a series of rapid costume changes and nakedness. I branded him sick, disturbing and unfit to entertain the public but a great number of the locals stood by him. I’m an excellent judge of character and so I’ve been proved right.

CASH DEADLINE FOR KIDS FUND THIEF

A LEADING club entertainer has been given a week to repay £1000 he stole from a children's charity. Tam, 63, nicked cash aimed at helping two terminally ill young twins go on holiday to America. Tam had performed at shows in 2004 to raise funds for four-year olds Saul and Savannah-Rose Fraser, who have Battens disease. He had already admitted embezzlement in court. Yesterday, Sheriff Grant McCulloch gave Tam seven days to repay the funds to The Saul and Savannah-Rose Fraser Trust. Sentence was also deferred for a week at Dundee Sheriff Court. Disgusted mum Alana Fraser, 34, said: "He was not only stealing from us but the Dundee public too." Tam, of Dundee, has been on the club scene for 40 years and had a No1 hit in Australia. (Daily Record, June 30 2006).

Matthew Santos won the race to become President of the USA in The West Wing; as the protagonist, along with Josh Lyman, of the last two series, he was predictably going to be elected but the writers deserve enormous praise for the suspense and tension created. I thought all the way through that Santos would win but I was never quite certain and there were twist and turns all along.