Excogitative and Mellow Ogres on Chronological Checkpoints,

Saturday was the anniversary of my birth. This anniversary and New Year’s Day always make me a rather melancholic, they’re sobering checkpoints for reflection - I always look back and think that I’ve achieved nothing in the last year. My achievements might seem worthy from the outset, but that’s never how they feel.

Saturday also marked the end of a full year since I finished my Industrial Experience contract at the R&D laboratories at the chemical plant. I spent the last birthday pondering my time there. It was a strange year, a year of contrasts. My final assessment was quite remarkable; my lab supervisor, my manager and my academic supervisor sat round the table with me. First, they extolled my dedication, my professionalism and my high standard of work, everyone agreed that I was a living legend then, “But with every appraisal, it can’t be all positives. You appear to have attitude problems.” From my mixed year, I should’ve known this meeting wasn’t going to be completely smooth but all the same, “attitude problems” is a startling accusation. It turned out to be constructive criticism, “We’re not saying you have attitude problems, you’ve did a thoroughly professional job, it’s just that you appear to have attitude problems.” They were referring to the laid back impression I often give and how it can seem lackadaisical and nonchalant.

“Well, do you agree?”
“Maybe.”, I shrugged.
“You’re doing it again.” they said as I sipped some water
“And again. You’ve brought three cups of water to this meeting as if your thirst is more important than the content of the meeting.”

They complained that this image could also seem quite negative and that I was my own biggest critic. I admit it, I do portray a worriless exterior, often unintentionally, and I do have a habit of pulling a misleading face. I’m also quite a harsh critic of myself (I could possibly compile a book titled “The Bellyaches: Unleashed”, featuring all the unedited drafts). I generally don’t get stressed – good planning, then faith in my ability to deal with what transpires and I’m also reasonably able to accept things in my stride - and if I do, I don’t think everyone has to hear or know about it. People who know me well can often see my levels of stress through the calmness I exude.

As I have this reputation, I can’t help but play up to it and exaggerate it to feed my peculiar sense of humour. I’m quite quiet too and armed with the uncontrollable image and the strange humour, I perhaps didn’t fit in too well in my lab, I didn’t need to and it was maybe advantageous that I didn’t. I can’t be sure; they were an odd bunch, there was politics and there were cliques and inter-lab rivalries. On review, the other lab seemed friendlier, they were a tightly-knit bunch, I only worked in that lab for short periods now and again, but I was in and out of it daily borrowing equipment and pestering people. Even in my lab, people were never particularly malicious and I did get along with everyone, a job is about doing the work to get paid – it’s important to keep learning, it helps if the job is enjoyable and the people are pleasant.

The strangest incident, was not born out of ill-feeling, it was probably just thoughtlessness of the cliques. On the day of the lunch that they had booked in my honour, in light of the fact that I’d soon be leaving, I was working on the report, possibly reading over the finished product and predicting what aspects that might be discussed, that I would present on the assessment day when I suddenly felt the presence of someone standing over me.

“Are you not going to this lunch?”
“What?”
“Look at the time.”

I had been studying the report quite hard and hadn’t noticed the time or the fact that the whole lab had emptied. They had all left for my lunch without me – the guest of honour. Thankfully, the guy that alerted me was one of the ones who technically belonged to in my lab but didn’t like the folk of my lab, so he spent most of his time in the other, although his desk was in our lab. I went along to my lunch with the kind folks of the other lab, who were leaving a bit later. I suppose it was all a misunderstanding, but I was slightly bemused by the incident.

The card that they had passed around is quite revealing; it’s possible to see from the card the messages from the people who were signed it only because it had landed on their desk and the people who were genuinely nice and then there were a few messages that I hope were a result of my unflappable character and droll humour. My favourite message reads, “You’ll realise it was all worth it in the end (maybe!). Best of Luck”, I know it’s seemingly hollow to someone else, but I have to take some comfort in it. I’d never rule out working there again. I’d be of equal status to the rest of the lab and things would be different. I’ve learned that although retaining this character of mine is easiest, and something I should do, it’s best to try to impress people every now and again, it’s not beyond me. If the world wasn’t so superficial, I could just behave naturally, but I know people form preconceptions based on certain mannerisms and it’s easier to stop people to forming preconceptions (linking lassitude and indifference with a laid back exterior) by avoiding those mannerisms than it is to change the prejudices that exist amongst the whole of society. A professional is a professional regardless of their demeanour.

My employment ended on my last birthday. Apart from the pensive mood, this birthday was somewhat uneasy, I also don’t like people wasting time and money on gifts for me; they have better pursuits. I was also stunned, at least inwardly, by some other news. I feel that my achievements, whatever their true worth, exacerbate this other bad news. I’m torn between sympathy, guilt and anger, it's arguable whether I'm entitled to be raging and this adds to the frustration but I must remain calm – it shouldn’t be difficult.