Apatosaurs and Aoudads Apparently Spending Appanages Online,

Did the Sun rise today? Methil might as well have been in the Arctic Circle. I only ventured out on a short trip to Leven, where I bought some rolls, a Pritt Stick (with free trial Power Pritt Stick), a packet of Wrigley’s Extra Ice Mints (urinal cakes) and had another passport-type photo taken.

Everyone wants a photograph of me. I did not go running when asked to have my photo taken for the ‘New Faces’ feature on the department news letter, I’m off campus anyway. They also have to write a short biography about the new face in question. My biog will probably read:

Local yokel, Leif – you’ll know him, the tall spotty kid, zero per cent body fat, red beard, thick glasses? – joins us from Embra Yooni where he grudguated with a degree in the fake subject of Environmental Chemistry. He is a commie get who hates the smell of Irn-Bru.

I’m also applying for a passport so I can spread the culture of Methil around the globe; there are strict rules to abide by for passport photos – my hair’s usually in my eyes. I seem to have taken so many rubbish passport-size photos for one thing or another recently, but most were adequate for what their purpose but would probably be rejected for an official passport.

The culture of Methil is apparently that of nastiness. A librarian shouted at me yesterday for entering the library at 8.59am – they don’t officially open until 9am. I didn’t break a window to get in; I walked through the open door. The town stinks. There’s no local pride or self-respect. People don’t go out of their way to help others but they manage to go that extra mile to antagonise others.

I hope to be of some use to my American prodigies tomorrow.