Bedraggled, Chilled Chieftains,

Embra is the capital of Scotland. In the parts where anarchy doesn’t exist, it’s nice. People want to visit Embra; occasionally they want to do so by car. The Forth Road Bridge is corroding. The politicians are dithering over a solution.

The Hovercraft Idea was founded as a part solution; it is hoped that a hovercraft service could bear some of the transport demands. I was moderately enthused by this idea but now, I am bitter and cynical.

Stagecoach has recently completed the two-week trial between Kirkcaldy and Portobello, Embra. Firstly, I didn’t have the chance to use “the service”. I was told that the queues to ride the hovercraft were gigantic. No proper commuter or real bogtrotter stood a chance.

The event was a gimmick. It was staged by an experienced, profit-making corporation in the middle of summer. The novelty brigade stepped in, bought the tickets and the people who planned on visiting Embra with a genuine objective were squeezed out.

Fife Circle trains are fairly empty during the day, people can travel to Embra on off-peak rates; these rates were similar to the hovercraft prices. The train sets passengers down in the city centre, the hovercraft sets passengers down on the beach at Portobello, some miles from the city centre. Competition between Stagecoach and First Scotrail is allowed but the issue here is whether or not the trial was indeed a trial.

I believe the two week run to have been a no-risk venture. The fad lovers from both sides of the Forth were always going to fill the seats on the hovercraft. It is summer, they’re off work, the hovercraft is quick and cheap. People had time to waste.

A true test would have been to run a hovercraft service later in the year. I don’t think commuters want to travel by hovercraft in the winter when the winds are a-blowin’ and the sea is a-choppin’. The businessmen and women would arrive on the beach and be treated to sand on their suits. Their hair would be messed. Their cars would be left on the esplanade to be coated in corrosive sea spray. Between the rush hours, there wouldn’t be much demand – who from Embra would want to visit Kirkcaldy

I don’t doubt that there is a role for hovercrafts in transporting people over the Forth. It remains to be seen what that role is. So far, it has been proved that the hovercrafts can be used as a novelty summer crossing method. The politicians are hesitating on how to solve the problem of the rusty bridge; perhaps they want to keep the people of the Kingdom out of Embra, I wouldn’t blame them, I’d like to turf some of them out too.